The Monster Inside of Me
by philyra-tales
Summary: After Jasper attacks Bella, he wonders if he’d ever redeem himself from the monster inside. Set during NM. A gift to a dear friend, E.L Evergreen.


**This one-shot was written for my good friend Emma's (AKA E.L Evergreen) birthday. I hope you enjoy it, dear! :D I know this piece seems a little depressing for a birthday gift but the story simply spoke to me. :) And I couldn't possibly deny Jasper now, could I? **

**Disclaimer: **_**Twilight**_** and all of its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I make no profit from writing this.**

"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real, too. They live inside us. And sometimes, they win."- Stephen King

* * *

_He thought that it'd be good if they had a big wedding. Alice would love a big wedding, wouldn't she?_

_They had been living with the Cullens for almost a decade now and had seen Emmett and Rosalie gotten married. Thrice. _

_He never understood their preoccupation with getting married over and over again. Esme once told him that Rosalie liked the attention; she liked being able to show off her beautiful dress, the meticulous planning all coming together, and Emmett simply loved Rosalie. He would do anything for her. _

_This never surprised Jasper. He could feel it every time Emmett asked him to be his best man. At first, he thought that Emmett was only doing it because Carlisle told him to; to make him feel like part of the family. But the emotions that were projected on towards Jasper were always of love. Emmett loved Rosalie, which was why he kept marrying her. He wanted to love Jasper as a brother as well, and that was why he asked him to be his best man._

_Jasper wondered if Alice would like to get married many times. Once would be enough for him. His feelings towards Alice were strong and indescribable. He didn't think he needed any sort of an authority telling him that he could only love Alice when he had a piece of paper. _

_But it was the __right__ thing to do, the __honorable__ thing to do. He needed to give Alice the proper status of being his wife, his one and only love. _

_Big weddings scared him, though. It was like their entire relationship was up for scrutiny. Everyone was watching and sooner or later, somebody was going to point out to Alice that he was never going to be good enough for her._

_He watched along the sidelines as Alice threw herself into every one of Rosalie's weddings. Alice was amazing at planning weddings. She took care of every single detail for Rosalie, the dress, the venue, the decorations, the faux food; every single little detail._

_He had been with Alice for almost 30 years now, but she never failed to surprise him. He was never good with words, with questions. He found it inexplicably difficult to ask Alice personal questions, like if she found dandelions pretty or if she ever killed a human before. He had a fear that if he were to ask such questions, she would do the same, and his answers would scare her away. _

_There was no way he could let Alice leave him. It was simply impossible for him to fathom a life with her. She grounded him, was his moral compass and gave him a sense of hope. She was the other half he never knew he was searching for. _

_He had been fretting over their own wedding plans for over a week now. He had thought proposing was the hard part but now it seems, proposing was the least of his problems. Naturally, he had allowed Alice free rein over their wedding and now he was getting a little worried. She had remained coy every time he asked her about the wedding and now, he was on edge._

_How big was their wedding going to be? How many guests? Alice wouldn't invite anyone __human__, would she? He'd have to hunt beforehand. _

"_Relax, Jasper, relax…" He told himself, willing himself to calm down. He could do this. He could marry Alice in a big wedding. He loved Alice; of course, he would do anything for her. _

_The door swung open and Alice ran in, bringing him out of his musings. He couldn't help but smile as she leaped into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. _

"_Hi!" Alice greeted exuberantly. _

"_Hi," he smiled and all the tension he felt earlier simply melted away. In its place was calm and joy radiating from Alice. How could he ever have…existed without her? _

"_I want to bring you somewhere. Will you follow me?" She asked him, but already knowing his answer._

"_Of course," he nodded and got up from his seat in their room. Within seconds, they were in her car and they were speeding off to some unknown place. He wasn't worried now, he was safe wherever Alice was, but he did wonder where they were heading._

_The local courthouse started to appear in the horizon and Jasper could sense the excitement bubbling from within Alice. She found a parking space within no time at all and was practically bouncing in her seat. _

"_Alice, what are we doing here?"_

_The smile on her face faded slightly. "I thought you wanted us to get married?"_

"_Absolutely," he reached for her hands. "But in a courthouse?"_

"_You don't approve?" Alice started to fumble for words. "Oh. I thought…I thought you liked it better…It's okay, I can change it…"_

_He placed a finger on her lips, silencing her. "I thought you wanted a big wedding."_

"_Rosalie __does__ make the idea appealing…" she trailed off. "But I know you wouldn't approve so I figured, since we're only going to do this once, I'd rather do it your way." _

_Inexplicably, Jasper felt his heart soared. Alice cared. She cared for __him__. He never doubted that she was a caring person but to think that he, __he of all people,__ warranted care and concern._

_"If it's a big wedding you want, I'll give it to you," he insisted. He didn't want Alice to have to give up her dreams for him. You're not worth her love._

_"As long as I'm getting married to you, I don't care how we do it," Alice smiled, grasping Jasper's hands tighter. _

_He closed his eyes and leaned forward, resting his head on Alice's. A million thoughts ran through his mind. _

_She loves me! _

_You're not worth it._

_She wants to marry me._

_She's going to regret it. _

_She'd do anything for me too._

_You'll betray her one day._

_"I love you," he whispered, his voice merely a sigh in the wind. He kissed her forehead and wordlessly, they exited the car, walking towards the courthouse, her arms firmly interlocked with his._

_Perhaps...just perhaps, if he married Alice, he really wasn't a monster after all._

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

_Monster._

That singular word kept running through his thoughts, his mind; his entire being as he himself ran through the forest.

Remorse, hatred, guilt surged through his body as he ran deeper and deeper into the forest, losing himself in the process. He couldn't go back now, not to the Cullens, not to Alice.

_Alice_. His undead heart fell another notch into his stomach. She must be so, _so_ disgusted with him. How could he ever think he deserved her? A monster could never deserve _anyone_.

He came into the clearing and as if he was suddenly exhausted, he collapsed to his knees, his hands grabbing the grass beneath him. He let out an anguished cry as tearless sobs wrecked his body.

He heard a change in the wind and sensed that someone was approaching. He did not bother looking up; he always knew.

"Jasper..." Her voice so soft, so _timid_. Of course. He could feel the fear in her; he knew how horrified she must be of him now.

"You shouldn't be here," he said simply, rationality knew he couldn't keep her with him.

"I'm scared..." _Of you. She's scared of you. _"I'm scared something might happen to you," she knelt beside her, her small hand on the back of his head.

In spite of himself, Jasper wrapped his arms around Alice, seeking solace in her emotions. As an empath, every single emotion was amplified in him. He felt Edward's rage, Carlisle's disappointment, and Rosalie's resentment. But Alice… There was only calm coming from her and he sought refuge there. In the one place where he actually could.

_How could she remain so calm at a time like this?_

It made absolutely no sense whatsoever. But it _did_. Because a small part of him knew that she was doing it _for him._ Alice knew he could only turn to her for comfort.

"Jasper, let's go back now," she pleaded with him.

"I can't..." His voice broke. "I can't. I hurt him, Alice. I fought against my _own_ brother. I attacked his mate! I-I-I- they won't take me back again... I'm the enemy now."

"It's not your fault! No one, no one could have ever…"

"Alice, this only makes me feel worse about my incompetence at controlling my hunger."

They both fell silent, neither daring to say more. Alice simply held Jasper's hand as they both knelt in the clearing. After what seemed like an eternity, she spoke up.

"I'll go with you to Alaska, of course," she promised, answering what he had been wondering to ask. "We're all leaving anyway."

"What?"

"Edward's decided," it was a somber expression on her face, her voice full of sadness. "And we won't be able to change his mind."

Jasper felt even worse. Not only did he go against his own brother and attacked his mate, he was going to take Alice away from her home and best friend.

"I'm sorry," he apologized even though he knew it was never going to be enough.

"There's nothing to forgive..." Alice stroked his cheek lovingly and he closed his eyes.

He wondered if he would ever receive redemption from his sins.

+*+*+*+END+*+*+*+

**Reviews and comments are always appreciated. :D**


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